Djehuty is totally hanging out in my living room tonight.
I can usually tell when he’s hanging around, because I’ll get this sudden, overwhelming urge to just learn stuff. Doesn’t matter what (where is that book about the real-life plausibility of common science fiction tropes, anyway?), definitely doesn’t matter if I would normally have an interest in it (oh, hello, six-week Introduction to Tarot Reading e-class!), I just want to learn. Read, study, whatever.
It’s refreshing, like getting outside and taking a walk after being cooped up inside for too long.
Now I’m going to try and harness that energy to plan out some writing projects I’ve been stalling on…
I’m a person of strong emotions. I do not do anything in small doses. Happy, sad, angry…when I get into a certain mood, I go all out.
Which leads me to this morning’s post.
For the first time in a while, I sat my butt down in shrine. No complicated ritual stuff, I just went in there and sat down, lit a candle and some incense, poured some water as an offering…
And pretty much poured my heart out to Bast and Yinepu. Told them about my hurt over the turn of events, my frustration over my own doubts, the strange sense of spiritual vertigo brought on by suddenly being without the community that has always been there.
And at some point during the confession/ranting/incoherent babbling, I came to realize that I had allowed my emotions to get the better of me and completely throw off my judgement. I had allowed my sudden disillusionment with the House to throw doubt on my relationship to Bast and Yinepu.
Except that I’ve known a connection with Bast since my fluffy-bunny neo-Wiccan days. I’ve had a connection with Yinepu since he freaking came bounding into my shrine like an overexcited puppy the first time I called him by that name rather than “Anubis”.
And no matter how much I doubt, they are always there. Even now, sitting down in my shrine after weeks of absence and neglect, I’m still greeted with the feeling of a warm hug and a so good to see you feeling.
I feel so much better now, and I’ve rededicated myself to honouring and serving them, regardless of membership in a temple or lack thereof.
As you can probably tell from my last post, I was quite upset by the recent email from Rev. Siuda. After a day or so to calm down and properly digest it, I’ve come to two conclusions.
1. I understand that this is a good thing, something that is needed to create a better, stronger religious community. Any continuing issue I have with it is directed more at the members of the community who are belittling and scoffing at those who took issue with the email. The letter was a shock, and I still find it to be written in a condescending, “ur doin’ it wrong” sort of tone. And for someone like me, who has been struggling, who has not been an active part of the community for various personal reasons, it felt like a personal singling out, like I was being told that I was not good enough to be in this place anymore. That’s how I feel. And I think I should be able to express that opinion. The fact that it seems I cannot freely do so has only cemented the decision that:
2. I am going to leave the House. I’ve tried to answer the letter and I have failed. I don’t have a good reason to stay, aside from the fear that comes with the idea of losing what I once believed was my home. Truth is, this has served as a wake-up call, the last big smack across the face that I needed to realize that it’s time to sit down and search my heart. Being a part of the House, adhering to these new, stricter, guidelines, would only serve to help me avoid this, to remain stagnant, to help continue the delusion that everything is fine and dandy. It’s a Band-Aid on a wound that only continues to get bigger and bleed more.
Time will tell whether I decide to stick around the KIN, or even if I remain Kemetic at all. The past little while has shaken my spirituality down to the foundations, and it’s time to take stock and rebuild.
Now, I head out on my own. I plan to still use this blog – albeit perhaps with a change in title and/or username – to record my thoughts as I strike out on this new journey.
I thank both Rev. Siuda and all those in the House that I have interacted with over the past few years, and in the few months since returning from my hiatus. It has been a wonderful experience, and I wish nothing but the best for the future of the House of Netjer and the Kemetic Orthodox Faith.
Just a fair warning to start things off: this is not going to be a happy post at all. And I’m probably going to swear a lot.
I’m in the middle of a serious crisis of faith. I know I’ve been talking all OMG YAY since returning to my Kemetic beliefs, but the truth is…I think I’ve been lying to myself. I say I think because I just don’t know what the hell’s going on inside right now.
Honestly, I feel spiritually dead. My shrine has sat unused in the bedroom for weeks. Any reading material on Ancient Egypt sits collecting dust in a corner with all the other books I don’t want to bother reading. I feel absolutely nothing when I sit down to pray.
I don’t care. I can’t care.
And then, in an absolutely wonderful example of shitty timing, I get an email that basically tells me I’m no longer good enough to be part of the House of Netjer. I know that’s not what it actually said, but understand that in my current state of mind, that’s exactly how it feels. This place that has always felt welcoming is suddenly putting the boot to my ass and I’m helpless to do anything about it because I couldn’t come up with a good reason to stay if I was being held at gunpoint right now.
I feel like I’m being punished for something. For turning my back on my spirituality, for not being a good person all the time, for…something. I don’t fucking know what, okay?
So now I’m sitting here, having just come back from a day of sunshine and fun, and now I feel like absolute shit, and all I can do is sit here and cry about it, because what fucking good is praying or visiting my shrine going to do when that’s the source of the misery in the first place?
I don’t know what to do. A part of me just wants to give up, stop this “faith” bullshit before it hurts me any more than it already has. Admit that the gods are nothing but myths and stories and just get the hell on with life.
I guess only time will tell now.
It was in my early twenties that I walked away from Christianity. I had spent most of my adolescent years in some weird limbo between considering myself an atheist and trying to get back to believing in Christianity. Neither option was really working for me. Dealing with the stress of depression, pitifully low self-esteem, and just being completely unprepared for life beyond high school certainly didn’t help matters much.
There was a small bookstore in Canmore, Alberta that I often went to. There was an internet kiosk in the back, and since this in a time before widespread WiFi and affordable laptops, it was my only real option for internet use. This kiosk was in the back of the store, where the New Age section was. And while I never did much beyond look at the books there, it planted a seed.
Around the same time, that whole anti-Harry Potter frenzy was in full swing. People claiming that reading it would brainwash kids into wanting to be witches and wizards, joining weird cult religions like Wicca…
I’m a curious person. When I hear someone ranting and raving about how bad something is, I’m always taken with a desire to look into it for myself and make up my own mind. I rarely just go with the flow and accept whatever I’m told as being absolute truth. This was no different. So, off I went to read about this Wicca thing (while completely ignoring Harry Potter, oddly).
What I found there was (at the time) home. Reading about Wicca, or paganism in general, felt like something going click in my head.
After a little while of practicing solitary eclectic, I joined a Religion & Philosophy message board on an at-the-time popular social networking site. There, I met a bunch of people who represented a wide range of pagan beliefs – Hellenic Recon, Asatru, Celtic Recon, etc. They pretty much became my friends, my support. And when I progressed enough in my spirituality to recognize Bast as one of the prominent goddesses in my life, they encouraged me to explore Kemetic religion.
One of the very first groups I discovered was Kemetic Orthodoxy, but I was put off at first. I don’t know why exactly; perhaps it was the idea of having a structured religion after the do-what-you-want eclectic style, perhaps I took issue with the existence of a spiritual leader after so long in the mindset that I could do this stuff on my own, I didn’t need anyone to tell me how to do it. Whatever the reason, I hit the back button and forgot about it…for a little while.
That curiosity came back soon enough, and I fired off an application for the beginner’s class, just squeaking in under the deadline for the summer 2007 session.
And so it began…
Hey there. So nice of you to stop by.
My name is Katawysenu. I am a daughter of Yinepu-Wepwawet and Bast, beloved of Djehuty. I’ve been a Shemsu in the Kemetic Orthodox Faith for about three years now.
Well, technically. It’s a long story that I’m sure I’ll post in more detail later, but mid-2009 saw my life explode into chaos and misery, and I ended up turning my back on my spirituality for the next year and a half.
It was only earlier this year, 2011, that I finally heeded the call of my Parents and came back to my faith. Since then, I’ve been trying to relearn everything I’ve forgotten, reconnect with Netjer, and reconnect with the community. This blog is part of that process.
That’s about all I have for now. Thanks for taking the time to visit my blog.